Why?
(ATF)
by Tammy
Pairing: Ezra/Vin/Chris
Author's Note: Since none of us really know when Ezra was born or how old he is, I made his age and birthday up. I own nothing having to do with any of the characters (or anything) from Magnificent 7. This is just for fun, purely no profit.
May 19th, 1985
He can't remember
The times that he thought
Does my daddy love me?
Probably not
That didn't stop him
From wishing that he did
Didn't keep him from wanting
Or worshipping himTen-year-old Ezra Standish sighed as he sat down on his bed. He and his mother were in New York. The Big Apple. It was his birthday, the big 1-0. He looked at the book by Chaucer, that his mother had given him. That had been it. Just the book and a quick kiss as she left with her current companion.
He laid the book down on his nightstand as he fought back the tears. Never cry. That's what his mother had taught him. Never show weakness. But, he couldn't stop the one tear that trailed down his cheek. He had been hoping that his father would show up. Or, at least call. He knew that he and his mother moved around quite a bit, but he felt that if his father really wanted to see him, he would find a way.
His parents had divorced when he was six. All he could really remember were fights. The screaming was always so loud. As Ezra wiped the tear away, he whispered, "Does father love me? Does anyone?"
He shook his head, giving a tiny snort. "Probably not. I'm just not loveable." But, even the cynical thoughts couldn't stop Ezra from wishing that his dad did love him. That someone loved him.
May 19th, 1990
He guessed he saw him
About once a year
He could still feel the way he felt standing in tears
Stretching his arms out
As far as they'd go
Whispering dad
I want you to knowI love you this much
And I'm waiting on you
To make up your mind
Do you love me too?
However long it takes
I'm never giving up
No matter what, I love you this muchFifteen-year-old Ezra was standing outside on the porch. He and his mother were in New Orleans and had lived there for two years. That was almost a record for them! He had gotten a call from his father. His father was coming to see him for his birthday!
He hardly ever saw him, he was lucky if they saw each other once a year. He saw a beat-up looking Chevy pulling up the drive, and stood up straighter. A tall man, wearing jeans and a leather jacket, with a beard got out of the car. Ezra instantly knew who it was. His father.
He smiled and started to say something, when his mother walked out onto the porch.
"About time you got here, Bryon," she coldly said.
Bryon shrugged, "Sorry I'm late, Son."
Ezra waved a dismissive hand, "It's okay. You ready to go?"
Bryon shook his head, "I can't. I have to be in the next town. Got a job drivin' a truck. But, I figured since I was already comin' this way, I'd stop. Didn't wanna lie to ya."
"But... we were supposed to go out to eat and catch up," said Ezra, trying not to sound like a kid.
Bryon shrugged, "I'm sorry. Maybe next time. Happy birthday." With that said, Bryon flipped a gold-plated lighter to Ezra, and started back toward his car.
Maude followed him, leaving Ezra alone, and staring at the lighter. Even though he didn't smoke, or really have any use for the lighter, it was a treasure. It was a gift from his father. Looking up, he saw Maude clenching her fists in anger as his father drove away. Even though he tried not to, a few tears escaped and rolled down his face.
"I love you, Dad," he whispered.
2007
He grew to hate him for what he had done
'Cause what kind of father could do that to his son?
He said 'damn you daddy'
The day that he died
The man didn't blink
But the little boy criedThirty-two-year-old Ezra Standish sat down at the dining-room table, smiling at his two lovers. Chris Larabee, the leader of the ATF team Team Seven, and Vin Tanner, the team's sharpshooter. 'Who would have thought it? Not one male lover, but two,' the undercover agent mused to himself.
They had all three been together for five months. The only other people that knew were the other guys on the team, Casey Wells, and her aunt Nettie Wells. Not even Maude, Ezra's own mother knew. Not because he didn't want her to, but because he had no idea where she was. She had left the country, gallivanting off on her honeymoon with husband number five.
Ezra never thought that he could be so happy. He never thought that he would find love. But he had. Of course, they still had their problems. They all three had their own insecurities. Having to reassure each other every once in a while that they truly loved one another. But, at the end of the day, they were closer and their love was that much stronger.
They were about finished with supper, when the phone rang. Vin, being the closest answered. A minute later, he said, "It's your ma, Ez."
Ezra took the phone, "Hello, Mother. To what do I owe this pleasure?"
"Ezra, Dear, who was that answering the phone?" she asked.
"That was Vin, Mother."
"Well, why was he answering the phone?"
Ezra sighed, "He's my lover, Mother. As is Chris." He saw Chris and Vin both raise their eyebrows at his bluntness. He just shrugged and smirked, causing them to roll their eyes. He had to give it to his mother, though, she never missed a beat.
"We'll talk about that later, Dear. I called because of some very important news." After a pause, she said, "Bryon died this morning."
Ezra couldn't believe it. He hadn't heard from his mother in months, and she calls just to tell him that his father... no the sperm donor was dead?! "Thanks for informing me, Mother. Is there anything else?"
"The funeral will be in a couple of days, in Denver actually. He's been living there for three years."
Ezra was shocked but managed to keep his face blank. Even though he didn't blink, he could feel the child inside of him crying. Crying out 'Why? Why hadn't his father loved him?!' After a couple more minutes, he and Maude told each other bye, and hung up.
"What is it, Ez?" asked Vin.
Ezra looked at the concerned faces of his lovers, and replied, "Nothing."
"Ezra, don't try that, alright? We know that something is the matter. What is it?"
Ezra sighed, "Mother just wanted to let me know that Bryon is dead. Died this morning."
"Bryon, your father?" asked Chris.
Ezra scowled, "No. He was never my father. If he was, he never would have treated me the way he did."
Chris and Vin knew that Ezra hated his father, and they could understand it. They just nodded, wishing they could take all of his pain away.
"Can you believe that he was here, in Denver, for the past three years? Didn't even come to see me once!"
"Maybe he didn't know you were here," suggested Vin.
"Don't make excuses for him, he knew."
Vin and Chris hugged Ezra between them, giving him soft kisses.
"We're sorry, Ez."
Ezra nodded, just happy to be with his lovers. To be loved and safe.
TWO DAYS LATER--THE FUNERAL
Half-way through the service
While the choir sang a hymn
He looked up above the preacher
And he sat and stared at HimEzra had decided to attend Bryon's funeral. Josiah had suggested that maybe it would provide him with some closure. The other six men on the team had accompanied him, sitting beside him.
Vin and Chris were on either side of him, giving him small comforting touches on the arms and legs every once in a while. The choir started to sing the hymn, Amazing Grace.
The preacher was standing off to the side, waiting for the choir to finish, and Ezra's eyes drifted up above the preacher's head. There on the wall was a wooden cross with a statue of Jesus. Ezra had never been a religious person, but maybe it was time that he changed that.
After all, he had escaped death several times as an undercover agent. First with the FBI, and now the ATF. Two great men had entered his life. And, he had friends and family. Something he had never had before. That didn't all just happen. As he stared at the statue of Jesus on the cross, he silently thanked him.
Thanked him for watching out for him and for everything that he had given him.
He turned his head to the right, looking at Chris, and smiled when their eyes met. Then, he looked to his left, and smiled when Vin looked back at him. Josiah was right. He finally had closure.
He can't remember
The times that he thought
Does my daddy love me?
Probably not
That didn't stop him
From wishing that he did
Didn't stop him from wanting or worshipping himHe guessed he saw him
About once a year
He could still feel the way he felt standing in tears
Stretching his arms out
As far as they'd go
Whispering dad
I want you to knowI love you this much
And I'm waiting on you
To make up your mind
Do you love me too?
However long it takes
I'm never giving up
No matter what, I love you this muchHe grew to hate him for what he had done
'Cause what kind of father could do that to his son?
He said 'damn you daddy'
The day that he died
The man didn't blink
But the little boy criedI love you this much
And I'm waiting on you
To make up your mind
Do you love me too?
However long it takes
I'm never giving up
No matter what, I love you this muchHalf-way through the service
While the choir sang a hymn
He looked up at the preacher
And he sat and stared at himHe said 'Forgive me Father'
When he realized
That he hadn't been unloved
Or alone all his life
His arms were stretched out
As far as they'd go
Nailed to the cross
For the whole world to knowI love you this much
And I'm waiting on you
To make up your mind
Do you love me too?
However long it takes
I'm never giving up
No matter what, I love you this much("I Love You This Much" by Jimmy Wayne on his self-titled album)
THE END
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